HELLO.
Do you listen to yourself
Never live for someone else
Do you like the way you feel
Nothing hurts when no one's real
She wants to shake this scene
Yeah she wants to shake with me
She's not looking for the holes in all the lies
I won't let you fall until you let it go
ART.
Monday, April 30, 2007, 1:13 AM
i want a person that i can count on always. i want someone who would give unconditional support and wait for me whenever. someone who enjoys my lame company and won't take advantage of me. i need someone who will throw a paper note at me when i'm falling asleep in class to ask if i wanted to do anything after school. i want someone whom i feel comfortable with sharing my secrets and insecurities. i want someone who listens to me and fully understands me. i want someone who is good influence and calls me whenever she's going to study or do her homework. i want someone who calls every night to discuss the questions to the difficult math homework. i want someone who calls and asks if everything was okay and to cheer me up if i was feeling sad. someone who could tell how i was feeling at any moment. someone who won't laugh at my problems and wouldn't hit me in the head even though i was being annoying. someone who would visit me for no reason at all.
someone who loves me for who i am.
a bestest best friend.
it's so tough to find one, it's like i don't fit in anywhere at school. nobody is like me. even if i did share interests with someone, we just didn't click. i feel like a loner. am i? is this paranoia? NO. i really can't find someone so perfect. i used to have friends like that from primary school but no one came to cedar with me. it's so competitive here. everybody just wants to scramble to the top of it all. i want to stay down here and watch you guys even if i have no one to watch you with because i'm just like that.
who's going to watch with me?
who's going to be my bestest best friend?
i know when everybody reads this, they're going to think i'm a total control-freak moron friend and they would want to avoid me. i just want a friend i can count on. not just some acquaintance. but still, everyone's going to say, "Look, there's the retard loner with no proper best friend who she can trust."
and i'll have to tell myself, "Don't listen to them and just try to concentrate in class! So what if you're alone nowadays? Does it really matter? Just mug your way to a good college!"
but that ain't a solution. how am i supposed to live without a proper friend?
GAHHH, YOU DECIDE.
i feel like stabbing myself to death. my whole body is in pain and syuhaidah made it worse on saturday when i cabbed to her house. every single muscle in my body will twitch and ache when i move. even typing is getting hard.
maybe meditation will heal it all.
HUMMMMMMMM.
shit, i guess it doesn't. oh, well.
goodnight, the clock says.. 1.13 am.
SHAZLINNN.
